Holidays and boundaries for the already enlightened

Image courtesy of the Library of Congress

 As is widely quoted in the self-help field, “Of course your family knows how to push your buttons. They installed them.”

That having been said, we go to therapy, get coaching, and make progress — until our buttons are pushed once again. Do we succeed in overcoming them? Not always.

And sometimes we’re the ones who push our own buttons because we’re so used to them. We’re comfortable with the old ways.

I recently failed Big Time to take care of myself in a complex family situation.

If people want help, they need to ask for it themselves

We drove to New England just before Thanksgiving, hoping to say goodbye to my husband’s father, Gammy. We didn’t get there in time, but I was asked to help two family members while there. People who hadn’t asked for my help directly.

The rush! The ego boost! Of course I could make a difference.

I jumped in with both feet.

Once again, my ego played a joke on me. I neglected to take a breath, step back, and assess the situation.

Instead of inserting myself into another family’s challenges and trying to help someone who didn’t actually ask for my help, I could have done something else — listened, let them know I cared, and shown them the dignity of allowing them to help themselves.

As a result, I found myself thoroughly exhausted, annoyed, and feeling sorry for myself.

Then, as I drove home from New England, my son called and asked me to help him navigate a complex situation that needed my time and attention ASAP. To say the least, I was not in the best shape. I did jump in to help, but honestly did not have the emotional reserves I would have had if I weren’t so drained.

Lessons learned

1.     Grief can trigger all kinds of domino chains to fall.

2.     I can’t help people who don’t want help or don’t realize they need it.

All of this having been said, there could well come a time when I’ll need to show up and help someone who may not want my help. Illness is one instance. But that is a horse of another color.

For now, my prescription for myself is to sleep, eat well, exercise, and spend time with close friends and family. I hope, during this holiday season, you can do the same.